


Locked Doors

by StanofStans



Category: Teenage Bounty Hunters (TV)
Genre: Angst, Coming Out, F/F, Internal Conflict
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-09
Updated: 2020-11-09
Packaged: 2021-03-09 01:27:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,156
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27462685
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/StanofStans/pseuds/StanofStans
Summary: April’s angsty POV for the day of the lock-in and how she came to her decision to end things with Sterling.
Relationships: April Stevens/Sterling Wesley
Comments: 2
Kudos: 20





	Locked Doors

**Author's Note:**

> Yes, this is my first fanfic and I may or may not write anything else. :-) If I go forward, the next chapter would probably be about April’s night at the lock-in after Sterling leaves. 
> 
> Most of the story is a flashback, and also has a flashback within the flashback. I probably made many tense and other grammar mistakes, but hopefully people will still be able to understand everything despite the extra complications. 
> 
> FYI: This whole thing is mainly April's thoughts and feelings, with minimal action. If you don't want a deep dive into April’s head, this will probably be boring to you.
> 
> Warning: Also, possible trigger warning for some folks. There is a lot of April delving into why she doesn't feel like she can come out at that time, and some of the negative consequences she thinks might occur. Could be painful for some to read.

"Bye, Sterl." As April stands up from her seat on the bench, and turns away from Sterling, she tries to maintain her composure, keeping her face expressionless in case anyone inside the school can see them. 

She takes a step toward the school but almost hesitates. _Don't look back._ She tells herself. _You have to keep walking. You can't turn around._ April can’t help but picture Sterling's face from a few moments earlier. April had asked whether there was any chance of a future together, “Maybe someday?” And Sterling had responded with, "Maybe. Actually, I don't know." 

Sterling had looked so closed off, so emotionally done, like the chances of her ever allowing herself to have feelings for April again were zero. April shuddered from more than just the cold air on her bare legs as she forced herself to keep walking toward the school’s entrance. What she just did is starting to sink in, the feeling of loss tightening like a band around her chest. _I’ve lost her forever, haven’t I?_

Despite knowing it was dangerous to allow even a shred of affection for Sterling to live in her heart, by the time April had sat down on the bench next to Sterling, she’d found herself hoping they could leave that door to a future relationship open, just a crack, and maybe someday, when the time was right, they could go through it together. But she knew there was no chance of that now. 

She had panicked. She had slammed and locked the door shut because she'd gotten scared when her dad had asked about Blair and Sterling that afternoon. After he’d left her alone in her room, April’s lifelong fear of her sexual orientation being exposed immediately sent her into defensive mode and unfortunately, her default setting was to ruthlessly destroy any and all threats to her safety. 

She still believed she had done the right thing in ending things with Sterling, but winced as she recalled how she had handled things tonight. When she had arrived at the lock-in earlier, she had still been full of adrenaline from that afternoon’s scare. April had felt like her only way to protect herself, from what she assumed were her father's suspicions, was to crush even the slightest hint that she had any kind of relationship with Sterling, good or bad. 

The only gossip she could allow her dad to hear about was that his daughter hated the Wesley sisters, and especially Sterling. If he had heard any rumblings about them having some kind of "special relationship", he would think they were impossible after hearing about how rude she had been to Sterling tonight, right? Her obvious disdain for Sterling, and possible romantic interest in Luke, had been witnessed by several other students whose parents were friendly with her dad. _It had to be done,_ she reminded herself stiffly. 

But now, walking away from Sterling, her brain shows her all of the times she’d had to see a look of heartbreak on Sterling's face tonight. Over and over. She'd hurt Sterling so many times tonight. With that thought, an actual physical pain shoots through her. Flinching, she slows down for a moment, almost imperceptibly. _Keep walking!_ _All that suffering can’t just be for nothing._

April wipes another errant tear away but can't stop the evening from playing out again in her memories. 

First, by the sleeping bags, Sterling looking so shocked and confused when April had turned her contemptuous vitriol on Sterling. April trying to ensure Luke found it difficult not to notice how toned her legs looked in her pajama shorts. April, flirting with Luke, smiling and laughing, adding fuel to the story she hoped would get back to her father. Sterling's face turning to stony anger when she finally caught on that April was intentionally being cruel. 

Later, the tears and pain-filled gaze they had shared when Sterling stood by the piano, Slow Burn playing in the background. Seeing Sterling's heartbreak grow the longer she watched April flirting with Luke on the couch, April had barely been able to keep it together. She'd had to keep pretending she was having so much fun eating pizza with Luke, while her own heart had been breaking along with Sterling's. 

When Sterling finally broke down and ran out of the room, devastated, it had taken every ounce of April's long-honed self-control not to immediately jump up and run after her. _I have to do this!_ She had told herself at the time, gritting her teeth, remaining seated. 

But, she hadn't been sure she would be strong enough to keep her walls up all night. She had already started losing control of her emotions when she'd looked into Sterling's pleading eyes moments before. Watching the door close behind Sterling, April had wished she was free to run after Sterling and hold her and tell her it was all a mistake. And tell her that she was so sorry. And kiss her, and show Sterling how April really felt about her. 

_No! Stop thinking about what can never happen again, it's over._ She’d tried to stop herself from thinking about the fact that Sterling was crying because of her. About how desperate Sterling had probably become to leave the lock-in but wouldn't be able to get out. 

She'd had to chastise herself yet again. _Compartmentalize. Compartmentalize. Compartmentalize. I’ve done this my whole life. I can do this now._ But, just in case, she'd decided she should make sure Sterling can leave the lock-in. She doesn't want Sterling to suffer more than she already has, she'd told herself. But a tiny part of her also knew that Sterling was her greatest weakness and April wasn't sure she'd have the strength to face a grieving Sterling all night, without losing her nerve. 

Ignoring the quiet whisper of _coward_ in her head, she'd gotten the keys from Ellen and had started searching for Sterling. It hadn't taken long before she'd heard someone pounding on a door in the distance, broken up by the sound of someone's faint sobs.

She didn’t know why hearing that mournful sound had triggered such a response, when looking directly into Sterling’s eyes a few minutes earlier hadn’t, but for a second all she'd been able to think was _Sterling! My Sterling, in pain!_ The instinctive need to go to her Sterling had overcome all of her rational thought and she had rushed toward the muffled cries. 

Thankfully _(right?)_ , she had come to her senses before she could fling the doors open. Through the door's windows, April could see where Sterling was slumped against the glass of the chained doors leading to the outside. 

Even after she had thought she'd regained control of her emotions, one look at Sterling and she once more had almost immediately found herself wanting to throw open the doors and go comfort her. Instead, April had steeled herself yet again. _I can't care about her anymore. I can't let myself love Sterling. Not like that. Not right now. There is too much at stake._

When she'd found herself still standing outside the doors, April had forced herself to remember why she had to do this. She had thought about the need for this course of action after talking with her dad and ran through her thoughts from that afternoon again, to remind herself why she had decided that cutting things off with Sterling was the only option. 

\------------------------

That afternoon-- 

As her father leaves her room, shutting the door behind him, April stands stunned. There had been so many things to process from that conversation, but the one that won’t leave her head is her dad asking about Blair and Sterling. _Does my dad know about Sterling? Did someone tell him they saw us? Am I going to lose everything I have worked for?_ Her terror is overwhelming, and the thought, _I can’t come out right now!_ loudly repeats over and over again in her now frozen brain.

April tries to calm her thoughts so she can think, but still finds herself catastrophizing down every possible path. She wants to be brave for Sterling. Sterling wants to come out, and wants April to come out with her. Sterling is sweet, but impulsive. Sterling isn't good at keeping her emotions bottled up, so would likely end up inadvertently outing them both. Sterling hasn't spent most of her life thinking through all of the possibilities, all of the consequences of coming out. All of the repercussions there would be if her family and her community found out they were gay. 

A frisson of fear moving through her, April thinks about everything that could go wrong if her father and her community discovered her secret at this point in her life. _I can’t come out right now. I just can’t._

Her thoughts spiral to some dark places, to every worst case scenario. 

She would lose everything. Her parents wouldn't love her anymore. They would look at her with disgust and disdain. Even in the unlikely event that her parents eventually got used to the idea that their daughter was a lesbian, and didn't actively reject her for it, they would never be able to look at her the same way ever again. No one would. 

She hopes she is wrong about it all, but even if she isn't, it doesn't change anything-- she still loves them. They’re her parents, and she doesn't want to lose them. Being part of Team Stevens has literally and figuratively been woven into her DNA, and she isn't ready to be kicked off of the team yet. Despite the growth and changes she has made since her dad had been arrested, a large part of her is still a devoted Team Stevens player. And right now, in this moment of fear and panic, she can’t see any other way to remain part of the team without getting rid of anything and everything that could possibly out her. 

And then there is the rest of her mostly Christian community--at church, at the country club, and at school. April has faith. She believes in God. She believes it is possible for her to live as a faithful Christian, and as a lesbian. She has studied and thought and prayed about this specific issue for years, and has found peace in her truths. 

But, she knows that is not how things would be seen by her parents and most of her community. Many of her peers would be told not to associate with her. Some would become mean and bullying. _I guess that would be appropriate karma for me,_ she thinks ruefully. Perhaps she'd get overlooked for awards or roles that would help her get into the right university. People would treat her as less of a person than before they knew.

 _Wait. Maybe I am being too negative, though? What if most people are actually okay with it? Maybe it wouldn’t be so bad._ Attempting to be slightly optimistic, she tries to imagine what her life as an out lesbian might look like. She determines that there would probably be some people in their uppercrust Christian community who would still be polite to her face, and maybe even mean it. There would be people who could "love the sinner, not the sin", and who would try their best to accept her for who she was. But, deep down, even they would probably still think of her with sadness, and as a lost soul who was taking a path that led away from eternal salvation. 

She shakes her head in resignation. Even in the best case scenario, where most people tried to accept her as she was, that wasn't how she wanted to live for the foreseeable future. She didn't want her sexual orientation to be her main, or only, defining feature while she lived in this community, and within her family. She just wanted to be April Stevens, smart and driven and admired, not some "sinner" people needed to pity or tolerate. All she had to do was wait to come out until it was safe and not self-destructive to her present and future self. She just needed to be strong.

Before her dad got arrested, April would have said that she was strong enough and resilient enough to handle anything life had to throw at her, but she no longer had the same level of confidence in her emotional fortitude that she had once had. She was still a little shaken by how emotionally fragile she had discovered herself to be throughout the ordeal with her dad's legal problems and discovering he was not the man she had thought he was.

Pre-arrest, April had just wanted to focus on being a perfect member of Team Stevens, overachieving through her high school and college years, and maybe then re-assess coming out. She hadn't planned on having a romantic relationship until at least college. That having been decided, it had become easier to snuff out her feelings for anyone in the meantime. Still lonely, but doable.

And then came Sterling. Sterling, who could make her feel so much, with just a look. Who could strip away all of April's defenses with the slightest touch. Sterling, who made her so very vulnerable. And she can’t be vulnerable right now, can she?

Talking with her dad that afternoon, she had felt like all of the thin spots in her perfect daughter persona had become more transparent, and could more clearly see all of the walls she had been neglecting since her dad had been arrested. The places that had grown even weaker since she and Sterling had started seeing each other. 

She sighed. It had been nice to have some rest from the constant vigilance needed to maintain her personal armor. Keeping those defenses secure took so much of her energy sometimes.

She told herself she had the rest of her life to figure out her romantic future, but right then, she was emotionally, legally, and financially tied to her family. A family that could quickly turn on her and take away her freedoms and academic opportunities-- the things key to her long-term survival. The things that would allow her true independence later on. 

Giving in to her emotions right now could destroy any hope of a future where she could be completely in control of her own destiny. She had almost two more years left of living in the same household with her parents, and even when she went away to college, she would still need their support for a while longer to go to the schools and have the experiences necessary for her to become the woman she had long-envisioned. In the meantime, she was going to need all of her strength and self-control to make it through. 

She couldn't risk doing anything that took energy away from maintaining the armor she needed to successfully get through everyday life in the Stevens' household. _Or to be the daughter you need to be so that Daddy will still love you?_ Before that thought could gain any further traction, she shut it down, along with any other emotions that tried to make themselves known. 

Taking a deep breath, April forces herself back into her pre-arrest suit of armor. _No more weaknesses or distractions. I have to end things with Sterling. For both of our sakes. Better to end it now, before Sterling gets even more attached._

Looking at the time, she jumps. She was going to be late for the lock-in. She tried to numb all of her feelings, but she still wished she could avoid what was coming next. Something so different from how she had wanted the lock-in to go before her dad knocked on her door. 

She shoved down the feelings that thought evoked, frustrated with herself for already not being able to completely lock down her heart. _Sterling is a weakness I cannot afford._

No, she was going to have to be strong that night, and maybe a little ruthless, to end things with Sterling in such a way that her father had no reason to suspect anything _(and maybe have Sterling hate her enough that April wouldn't be able to change her mind?)_. Picking out the right pajamas for her quickly forming plan, she reminded herself, _It has to be done._

\---------------------------------------

Back to the stairwell--

Remembering why this was all necessary, April's certainty that she was doing the right thing had returned. She'd been weak and foolish to let Sterling convince her they could do this. 

She'd let herself get a little mad at Sterling, knowing she'd need the anger to keep her softer feelings at bay. _Sterling shouldn't have pushed me so hard to come out, anyway! Sterling didn't listen to my concerns, she just railroaded right through them, just because SHE was ready to come out!_

April's anger kindled, she'd descended the stairs, already feeling the chill from the outside seeping in. April had walked up to the chains and appeared to matter-of-factly unlock the doors. In truth, she hadn't trusted herself to do more than glance at Sterling, and definitely hadn't felt she could risk saying something to her. 

As soon as April had opened the door, Sterling had given her a quick look that was now more angry than hurt, and pushed past her. The bracing air, and feeling Sterling's body moving past her, had startled April out of her attempted indifference. Impulsively, she'd chased after Sterling, calling her name. She'd told herself that she at least owed Sterling an explanation before breaking things off with her. 

Then they were sitting on that bench. April's mind had been blank at first. When Sterling had finally spoken, the anger and hurt in her voice had struck April like a whip, the sting of it still sharp. Even as the conversation unfolded, and April found the strength to end things between them, she knew she'd done it all wrong. She knew she had made this whole night so much harder and more painful than it had needed to be. She'd found herself wishing she hadn't let her fear cause her to react so impetuously. 

Regardless of her increasing regret, she had still forced herself to stand up and say, "Bye, Sterl," before turning her back on Sterling and walking away. Before she could change her mind. Before her feelings for Sterling could break through what was left of her painstakingly built and now unstable walls. 

Despite all of her attempts to be indifferent toward Sterling, as she now walks back into the school, April hopes Sterling didn't really mean the last thing she had said to April about a possible future for them. "Actually, I don't know." 

Because, as she attempts to tightly clamp down on her feelings and reassure herself she made the right choice, she can't stop herself from hoping Sterling can forgive her someday. 

Maybe, someday. 


End file.
